Monday, March 2, 2015

Currently Eating 3.2.15

The title of this blog category is a misnomer in my case. No, I am not “currently” eating Fruit Gushers. I am constantly eating Fruit Gushers, and I honestly don’t know what I have become.
We all can recognize a Fruit Gusher, right? And we all know they’re not fruit. It’s impossible to be fooled by General Mills’s labeling, because fruit isn’t hexagon-shaped or neon or bursting with sugar syrup. They’re not even close to fruit. They don’t have so much as six degrees of separation with fruit. You know the whole Bacon Number phenomenon? How no one is more than six degrees away from Kevin Bacon? (Everyone who’s been at Brooklyn College for a year or two has a diminished Bacon Number, because Kevin Bacon was filming on campus a year or so ago. Seriously. Congratulations, fellow BC students.) Back to the point, though: Kevin Bacon has no link to Fruit Gushers at all, because he has probably touched a fruit at some point. This is the reality we are dealing with when discussing Fruit Gushers.
They’re so awful. They’re so good. They’re less than two dollars at the Target by campus, and they are ruining me.
Target’s great. I hang around there all the time, buying DVDs and snacks and clothes. And Fruit Gushers. Always Fruit Gushers. It’s at the point where I don’t even think about it anymore, my feet know the way to the fruit snack aisle and my arm reaches for the top shelf automatically and all I can do is sigh and accept the inevitability of Strawberry Splash-flavored death. Target is evil. How dare they reasonably price their “fruit” products? Do they have a deal worked out with the aliens who brought Fruit Gushers to our planet?

I’m afraid of the reputation I must have in class, because, I have straight-up devoured entire boxes of Fruit Gushers during lectures. I’ve figured out how to quietly open the foil packets and just stare straight ahead, dead-eyed and with a Red-40-stained mouth. People must see me. They have to be aware of one of their classmates sitting there stuffing horrible fruit snacks in her mouth as the professor’s talking. Oh god I’m the weird Fruit Gusher girl. Why am I not more ashamed?
It must be nostalgia, right? I’m reliving my days in elementary school when it was okay to have Fruit Gushers in your lunch. That’s all. Right? No! I never had Fruit Gushers in elementary school. My parents never bought them. Because my parents knew they were evil. All along I was being shielded from General Mills’s master plan to give me heart disease with every neon hexagon I pop in my mouth. I’ve been so blind.

Wal-Mart sells Fruit Gushers “in bulk,” according to Wikipedia, and I’m almost afraid to know what, exactly, that entails. I can already see myself offering my credit card to some bored cashier as the shadow of a thousand-pack box of sugar hell looms over me. It’s happening. That’s my whole future.

(Hey Serhan, do you think we should have a support group for our respective sugar-coated compulsions?)
PS - Apparently someone created this unholy union of Fruit Gushers, Fruit-by-the-Foot, and Fruit Roll-ups and I cannot believe this is what humanity has come to and I also cannot believe how badly I want to eat one of these things.
God is dead and we killed him.

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