Mekon the Elder’s Candy Review: Kit-Kat!
At a point in the recent past, using an ink-jar filled with my own blood and a quill-pen made of the brightest plume plucked from the impudent peacock that stalks my yard and mocks my hunched, deformed figure with his graceful, vibrant beauty, I wrote of thegreatest candy treat to ever appear in this world of degradation and hopelessness: the Twin Bing. Indeed, I have yet to find a successor to this ethereal confectioner’s delight. However, the Twin Bing is not easily won in these hard lands and I find myself searching vainly for a treat that holds the same promise of momentary relief from this vulgar existence.
I have learned that, in a pinch, Kit-Kat bars will do.
Now, one does not simply purchase a Kit-Kat bar and scarf it down like the slovenly filth-monger, Boris Poonhausen of the Seven Hills. No. One must approach the Kit-Kat bar like it is one of the coquettish milk maidens that are so plentiful among the sun-kissed Verdant Dale. I shall list the proper way to acquire and consume the Kit-Kat bar with such clarity and precision that even the dimwitted one-eyed giants of The Mountains of Mercy should have difficulty in confusing my words. So, heed my instructions simple reader, or drown in the self-made pool of your own ignorance.
Step One: Acquiring the Kit-Kat bar:
First, you must enter into the grimy realm known as the local apothecary. Within these walls of sadness, you will find many items for sale; hygienic products necessary if one does not want to smell like the ferrymen of the Putrid Moors, fruit as battered and bruised as a blacksmith’s wife (here, Mekon makes a jest and we laugh as we know it to be true), packets of the wondrous herbal supplement known as Horny Goat Weed, and of course, a bounty of Kit-Kat bars.
Simply pick up the Kit-Kat bar and place it on the counter in front of the apothecarian. Do not look this man in the eyes. He can see into your soul and will judge the filth that lives in every man, as no human can escape this life without accumulating it. Then, he will really jack up the price. Remember, you should never pay more than two gold pieces for a Kit-Kat.
Step Two: Preparations for Dining
I once knew of a man, a simple shepherd from the Fields of Makamae. He would eat his Kit-Kat bar whilst leaning against a fence post, ignoring the decorum stated in the secret histories. Is it any wonder that this shepherd was later found, body split in half, after being gored by the Wandering Minotaur of St. Olaf?
So. To properly consume the milk chocolate covered wafer candy known as Kit-Kat, one must first prostrate oneself at the alter of the dark being, Shununu. This being lives deep within the bowels of the earth sleeping the sleep of the Old Ones. To mishandle a Kit-Kat bar means piercing this creature’s dream state. It will not wake the awesome wrath of Shununu completely but even the slightest muscle quiver will bring tragedy to you and your kin, so great is his frightful power.
To prevent this, you must disrobe yourself. Yes, even your underwear. Lying naked at Shununu’s alt er, say these words, “Great Shununu, in all of your power and magnificence I humbly beseech you to grant me mercy from this living nightmare that I name my existence. What I am asking, dark lord, is that you give me a break; a break from this hellish landscape that I call reality, a break from the bleak netherworld that is known as human existence. I ask, Dark Lord Shununu, that you give me a break of that Kit-Kat bar.”
Step Three: Enjoy!
Now that you have sought the have sought Shununu’s cruel permission, you may enjoy the Kit-Kat bar. Unwrap the bar and notice that it comes in four separate sections, all the similar to each other. This, of course represents the four seasons: while it is true that each season brings with it different changes in the weather, the Kit-Kat bar reminds us that our existence is marred by the ever present conditions known as humiliation (the milk chocolate) and longing (the wafer cookie). In essence, we learn from the Kit-Kat bar that though four seasons there may be, the substance of life is truly comprised of the uncompromising darkness that nips at our heels like the Demon Dogs of The Black Marshes and that it is only in the arms of the merciful Angel of Death that we will ever find something close to peace.
Now, eat your Kit-Kat bar. Enjoy it. Hard times loom in the distance like a black cloud and your next opportunity for happiness lurks like a specter around a corner you are not likely to ever pass by again. So says the secret histories. So says Mekon the Elder!