This week is going to be rife with experiments for me. And so instead of talking about how I'm obsessed with Hugh Laurie's albums or about my adoration of the split between 1990's and current hip hop, we're going to go on a journey together. As most of you probably know, Jeff Bridges released a sleeping tape for the happy viewing public. I'm going to listen to this tape late late late at night, and live-comment all up on that. Let's start, shall we?
Do people actually listen to sounds this eerie to go to sleep? He’s just coughing what are you doing Jeff Bridges you’re just clearing your throat. This is definitely the man I would want reading me sleeping tapes. He’s chuckling. “Yeahh..sleeping tapes. That’s what we got here.” This man is an American treasure.
Sleep. Dream. Wake Up.:
The first thirty seconds are pretty silent and then Jeff’s voice comes on, all distorted, commanding the listener to “Sleep. Dream. Wake. Up.” This is the stuff nightmares are made of. This is still definitely the man I would want giving me nightmares.
Chimes for Dreams:
Maybe I’m not the best candidate to do this, because I don’t much care for background noises to sleep to. That said, I feel like I’m in a movie with this as the soundtrack. I’d be staring out the window of a movie train after a very trying adventure, finally relaxed.
His voice sounds a bit like Santa Clau- OH MY GOD HE’S HUMMING. He’s actually just humming for the majority of this, isn’t he? Maybe he’s trying a hand at Tibetan throat singing what is happening what does it all mean, Jeff? What are you doing? And at the end there are the sounds of kids in a playground in the background. I’m more awake/disturbed than I was while starting out.
“Good morning Sweetheart, maybe you’d like to join me in some humming.” “Just doin’ some humming.” Oh wait, he’s just recording himself talking to his wife. This feels like voyeurism. “Give them a little early morning sleep tape humming.” Oh my god she’s actually doing it.
See You At The Dreaming Tree:
There’s a child speaking but I can’t really hear it all. There are still kids in the background, as there have been for the past three tracks. I feel like Freddy Krugers ‘bout to pop out. Oh god, he’s telling some kid about how he used to tell his daughter she could meet him in her dreams. Who is this child? The plot thickens. Is there a narrative to this?
A Glass of Water:
Jeff Bridges just tried to give me a glass of water over these sleeping tapes. I think I’m okay with this.
“We soon installed horses with whispers and hands.” I hope he means the horses both had hands and whispered. Do you think I can rent a Jeff Bridges to speak me to sleep at night? I mean, I’d probably never sleep again but sleep is for the weak, amiright?
There’s a tenor sax in the background. Jeff’s telling a story about a tenor player who carried three or four containers of play-doh. I want to be this tenor player with so much play-doh at my disposal.
Oh man. Oh man. This is my favorite one. “My body will forever loop around the planet and emit a flashing light whenever it passes over a memorable location. Like that bar in Rodondo Beach where we first met. Or Ikea.” I feel this on such a personal level. I’d move into Ikea if I could. I want to go back to Ikea goddamn.
I love how explicitly stated everything is. “The door is red. I will open the door, put my keys on the table.” Are we back to the ethereal background sounds? I mean, i guess that’s what a sleep tape usually consists of. But I’m loving the Jeff.
Did Jeff Bridges just take us all on a hike up a canyon? Of course he did. What else would Jeff Bridges do with his time? “I can smell it. Can you smell it? *long pause, Jeff Bridges chuckle* Good, you can smell it.” “Oh look, there’s another hiker. Looks like a gentle sort of guy with thinning hair and glasses…. Let’s wave….He looks like a nice guy. Maybe his name is Jim, or Neil. Hello Neil!” I feel like there’s a deeper narrative to be had here. Or maybe it’s just late and I’m sleepy. No, there’s definitely a deep narrative. This man’s voice reminds me of tiramisu. I’d recommend this sleeping tape to anyone who enjoys tiramisu. Or who don’t. I don’t eat tiramisu, but I listen to Jeff Bridges and like it. This venn diagram would never work. This sleeping tape is melting my brain.
Guys. GUYS. Jeff Bridges is complimenting me. I’m blushing. He just told me my hands are capable of woodworking. I guess we know what I’m going to grow up to do! He said I probably can swim even if I think I can’t. And that I’m good at guessing when a traffic light will turn green. Jeff is all I need.
Seeing With My Eyes Closed:
Jeff Bridges is the man. Maybe this was all part of some Jeff brainwashing scheme. After all, Dudism is already a thing. This distortion thing he keeps doing to his voice, maybe, is what’s making me think it a good idea to subscribe to whatever cult Jeff Bridges could start.
Goodnight (We’re All In This Together):
So distorted. Jeff, I will sleep easy tonight knowing you exist, and then never again because this is all so goddam freaky. If you guys are debating one night on whether to party or listen to this, I suggest Jeff.