Monday, May 2, 2016

Illuminations 5/2/16


So as I sat in the interns' office that is so often a tunnel of darkness ending in light (otherwise known as a window), I thought:

What if this office is actually Purgatory?

Now, this isn't to say I'm portraying the actual internship here in 3416 Boylan as some sort of bleak Greyhound bus station where we're all just perpetually waiting to either go to Hell [the food service industry] or Heaven [sugar daddy just kidding I don't condone this...maybe...probably not]. I love this place with all my heart, along with all of the souls that inhabit it.
What am  I trying to say here?


Right, that I think about death too much!

Obviously, I thought it would be REALLY FUN to list the ways all of us interns died to get here. Even if you don't know who I'm talking about--you probably don't--I think that the individual means of death say a lot about the deceased.

I should also say that all (but one) deaths have been approved and/or suggested by the interns themselves.

Shall we?

How We All Kicked the Oxygen Habit (Not in Any Order)

Anna died of exhaustion. At least she is now on a permanent vacation from those six jobs.

Christian hugged a train.

Alec got shot, but he'll have you know that he would've died of diabetes had he not been launched into eternity so randomly!

Clinton's laptop fan stopped working. On his head. In his hat. He was actually a robot. But a nice robot, one enthusiastic about all things Korean. 짱 !

Renee, in her futile attempt to butt-slam the dangling bag of Welch's Fruit Snacks, got butt-slammed back by an unexpected foe! It was the vending machine. 
...You could say she entered the Sweet Hereafter. Haha, good one, me!

Lisa got hit by one of the dollar vans on Flatbush. Right before she died she managed to get a glimpse of the driver:

Mike let his hero complex get the best of him as he jumped in front of the same dollar van [amazing!] to try and save yet another person from getting crushed. He could've saved himself too, but, honestly where IS the fun in that?

Sheena let the ever-present void consume her. I've heard from an unnamed sourced that it takes the shape of a bed bug the size of the Staten Island Ferry [come to think of it, the Staten Island Ferry just plain IS a giant bed bug]. Shouldn't spend so much time in the library!

Rachel couldn't stand living without Kyle and Courtney [past interns], so she Romantically consumed arsenic on her friends' graves.

Nate's abs got so swole that he literally imploded.

Chante just had to die. She's a lesbian.

What happened to me? I jumped out of the light at the end of the tunnel after writing this. It was the window.

Little too dark?


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