Monday, May 9, 2016

Magic Hat 5.9.16

"Devastatingly Specific" -- NY Times Book Review

I told myself not to talk about mothers this week, and look where I am now.

I'm sitting shotgun, going upstate while writing this. I love hiking in the rain. This is a loaded topic.

I tried to find this 'paper' I wrote in 2nd or 3rd grade (I'm trying to picture either teacher handing it, graded, back to me) about who my hero was. Like many young children, I worshipped my parents. I especially worshipped my mom. Unlike most older children, I continued such adoration until late high school. My mother had a reputation among school officials, so Mrs. C or Ms. Boyer called her in to read the one page response herself.

"You know why we have to show this to your mother, Alexandra." Mrs. C or Ms. Boyer.

Long story short, I was unable to find that story but I managed to find two artworks, one titled "Fruits are Tasty" and the other "Vegetables are Good"!

I grew up a very sympathetic child, in that I never, ever cried, threw tantrums, or demanded anything because I knew I would just add to the reasons my mother hated herself, because you can see the parent in the child's behavior. The only times I 'defied' were moments of confusion. I didn't know in 3rd grade that certain types of salami became discolored when in contact with mustard.

"Look what you've done, you've embarrassed me!" You are the most resilient person I know, the kindest, and the most persecuted.

Paranoia about the perception of teachers and principals from her father turned into her friends, then judges, movie stars, and past presidents. You can understand my frustration when half the screaming arguments, most of the starvation, and nearly all of the conversations are only caused by unreal events.

So that's her perspective: judges, movie stars, and past presidents, checking the websites and maybe they will give her justice.

"The truth will always come out, Alexandra." Thank you for the advice, but right now the only experiences you draw off of come from messages off the Faces & Features Fox News section, the scrolling slideshow on, and the Recently Reviewed books off the Brooklyn Public Library online catalog.

She's still the priority. Her mental health is the priority, and I don't think she has ever been well her entire life. Not to be corny, but you can see the parent in the child's behavior.

A month ago I asked my dad why he married her in the first place. This is what it is like to be angry.

I mean, I don't know what I expect. You play a song because you know which song is going to play.

This radio announcer is taking every opportunity she has to apologize for the rain and assure her listeners that the sun is going to break out in the later afternoon. "It's going to be a beautiful Mother's Day after all." And I'm not even making this up to try to be profound!

It's still cloudy now, and there are many blossoming dogwood trees to point to. The white sky is the best background to have for trees.

Happy Mother's Day,

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