Let's be honest. Right now, I'm not currently eating. I'm currently annoying my cats with cat sounds on youtube because I've lost my mind.
BUT! I have eaten recently.
And here's the thing. I had a BIG post planned for this. It was going to be great. It was going to be macaroni salad. That is, until, I started reading fanfiction for my current independent thesis project.
I'm writing about Dracula. I LOVE Dracula. Ok, let's be honest, I love pretty much all of the long nineteenth century of literature, but I really love the dark stuff.
I also really value current modes of literature in response to it. So, fanfic. I was reading a particularly gory bit of fanfic which was describing the ripping apart of a woman's womb by one of Dracula's wolves. It described the sound of her womb being torn apart like "the sound of stirring a particularly sloppy macaroni salad." Think of it. You can see and hear it. Bloody chunks of flesh being chewed up and stirred like so much pasta and mayonnaise.
Therefore, I am off macaroni salad for a while.
not my ideal macaroni face.
I am eating donuts and drinking wine, instead. The reason for this is twofold. One, donuts are delicious, and there is a kosher place near me that sells vegan donuts because vegan is easier to deal with than all the myriad kosher rules. (Trust me on this. I know of which I speak. Half of my family is kosher, and the other half is Indian, and I am a vegan, and no one bitches when they eat at my house.)
The second reason is that wine is the cure-all for late nights spent agonizing over the GRE and statements of purpose and twenty page writing samples and anxiety and self-doubt and imposter syndrome and the terrifying knowledge that only 8% of students are accepted into the The Graduate Center's PhD program in English.
Donuts and wine calm the inner rage inside myself that tells me "you are a high school dropout. You are a deaf girl who everyone thought was mentally disabled because you couldn't hear. You are the girl with the severe ADHD and impulse control disorder who has no business getting a BA, let alone a PhD." This is the exact wrong attitude, but it is my truth. I'm turning to vanilla glazed apple fritters and cabernet to disconnect from the knowledge that I am not enough--true or not. And then I run. I run so long that I run off those donuts and wine, and I'm still left with the doubt. The certainty that my papers and intention letters are nothing more than a pathetic circumlocution showing off my deepest insecurities.
It doesn't matter if it is right or wrong. It's where I am at. No macaroni salad. Just sugar, salt, fat, and fermentation.
Wish me luck.