Monday, October 24, 2016

Currently Eating 10.24.16



Let's be honest. Right now, I'm not currently eating. I'm currently annoying my cats with cat sounds on youtube because I've lost my mind.

BUT! I have eaten recently.

And here's the thing. I had a BIG post planned for this. It was going to be great. It was going to be macaroni salad. That is, until, I started reading fanfiction for my current independent thesis project.

I'm writing about Dracula. I LOVE Dracula. Ok, let's be honest, I love pretty much all of the long nineteenth century of literature, but I really love the dark stuff.

I also really value current modes of literature in response to it. So, fanfic. I was reading a particularly gory bit of fanfic which was describing the ripping apart of a woman's womb by one of Dracula's wolves. It described the sound of her womb being torn apart like "the sound of stirring a particularly sloppy macaroni salad." Think of it. You can see and hear it. Bloody chunks of flesh being chewed up and stirred like so much pasta and mayonnaise.

Therefore, I am off macaroni salad for a while.
not my ideal macaroni face.

I am eating donuts and drinking wine, instead. The reason for this is twofold. One, donuts are delicious, and there is a kosher place near me that sells vegan donuts because vegan is easier to deal with than all the myriad kosher rules. (Trust me on this. I know of which I speak. Half of my family is kosher, and the other half is Indian, and I am a vegan, and no one bitches when they eat at my house.)

The second reason is that wine is the cure-all for late nights spent agonizing over the GRE and statements of purpose and twenty page writing samples and anxiety and self-doubt and imposter syndrome and the terrifying knowledge that only 8% of students are accepted into the The Graduate Center's PhD program in English. 

Donuts and wine calm the inner rage inside myself that tells me "you are a high school dropout. You are a deaf girl who everyone thought was mentally disabled because you couldn't hear. You are the girl with the severe ADHD and impulse control disorder who has no business getting a BA, let alone a PhD." This is the exact wrong attitude, but it is my truth. I'm turning to vanilla glazed apple fritters and cabernet to disconnect from the knowledge that I am not enough--true or not. And then I run. I run so long that I run off those donuts and wine, and I'm still left with the doubt. The certainty that my papers and intention letters are nothing more than a pathetic circumlocution showing off my deepest insecurities. 

It doesn't matter if it is right or wrong. It's where I am at. No macaroni salad. Just sugar, salt, fat, and fermentation. 

Wish me luck.

Cat.

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